There’s A New Toy Trend For Christian Girls: “Fetus Dolls”

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readJul 12, 2022
photo by xersti

The newest viral toy for girls in Christian families is a novel take on the classic doll toy: Fetus Dolls.

A recently released line of dolls created by the Christian toy company Fear God Toys & Games, Inc. is designed in the shape of a fetus, and a marketing slogan says it allows Christian girls to imagine they have their very own gestating fetuses.

The Fetus Dolls come in a spherical womb-like holder, and have a button on the holder’s base that makes the Fetus Doll appear to talk when pressed.

There are six cycling phrases programmed in this first edition of the toy, carefully drafted to remind little girls of Christian values:

  • “Abortion and contraception are murder.”
  • “The flames of Hell last forever.”
  • “The Devil has a home inside your clitoris, and loves when you go knocking on his door.”
  • “Natural vaginal lubrication is from Satan salivating over your soul.”
  • “Sex before marriage burns your genitals, covers you in warts, and turns you blind and infertile… if it doesn’t kill you!”
  • “If you lose your virginity before marriage you may as well climb into the nearest dumpster and let yourself be taken to the landfill because you’ll be worthless trash!”

The dolls are not very interactive beyond the recorded messages, and the packaging states that the dolls’ intended use is not so much for play as much as a daily reminder for little girls that abortion is a sin deserving an automatic Hell sentence.

Inside the Fetus Dolls’ bodies are ink cartridges primed to explode in all directions if any attempt is made to remove the fetus from its plastic womb, and the speaker will blare a loud police siren with scream sound effects to simulate the torment, pain, and suffering experienced in the fires of Hell.

“It’s never too early to instill in kids a memorably terrifying fear of God’s omnipotent but loving and compassionate fury,” said Fetus Dolls creator John Ranker. “We believe this toy is a perfect Christian gift for any little girls above the age of three. It’s like an Elf on the Shelf, but for potential future sluts!”

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.