The Strategies Behind Trump’s Top VP Choices Dissected

Dash MacIntyre
6 min readFeb 22, 2024
Photo by History in HD on Unsplash

The following are Donald Trump’s personal notes for his potential vice president candidates:

Tech bro Vivek Ramaswamy

Pros:

  • Creepily intense like Stephen Miller, with a fresh new take on the Nazi kind of vibe — he kind of seems, like Miller, that he has killed someone before
  • He really hates the FBI, and most of the rest of the government — he’ll definitely help me pull off another January 6th unlike pussy Mike Pence… if Vivek doesn’t have his people try to hang me before my people can get him!
  • He never attacked me in the primary, so he can be extremely loyal — but does he kind of reek of opportunism? That’s a major ick!
  • He’ll undercut the Democratic argument that I’m racist, and give me cover for all my dog-whistling

Cons:

  • He’s an immigrant from a brown country (and one of the shithole-ier ones)
  • Too ambitious? (Would he kill me to take my spot as president? Maybe I should have the Proud Boys preemptively hang him sometime in the first year of the term — then replace him with Ivanka! And bring sex-appeal back in the White House *REMINDER: institute casual Fridays at the White House in the next term so Ivanka and all the other ladies show a little more skin!)
  • He can really get a crowd going… but maybe too well? (I definitely do not want anyone who’ll ever upstage me for even a second)
  • His style of talking and speechifying is like a younger, more energetic Ted Cruz — major ick!

Senator Tim Scott

Pros:

  • He’s shown some very impressive early promise and talent changing the subject to Joe Biden any time he’s asked about my fraud, tax evasion, sexual assault lawsuits, or treason
  • All the “Blacks 4 Trump” groups might finally sign up their first Black members we don’t have to pay $50 an hour to come to my rallies (Gotta really get serious about saving money — these lawsuits and prosecutions are bleeding me dry!)
  • I can get away with hiring only white people for the rest of my next cabinet if I have a Black VP

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.