The Strategies Behind Trump’s Top VP Choices Dissected

Photo by History in HD on Unsplash

The following are Donald Trump’s personal notes for his potential vice president candidates:

Tech bro Vivek Ramaswamy

Pros:

• Creepily intense like Stephen Miller, with a fresh new take on the Nazi kind of vibe — he kind of seems, like Miller, that he has killed someone before
• He really hates the FBI, and most of the rest of the government — he’ll definitely help me pull off another January 6th unlike pussy Mike Pence… if Vivek doesn’t have his people try to hang me before my people can get him!
• He never attacked me in the primary, so he can be extremely loyal — but does he kind of reek of opportunism? That’s a major ick!
• He’ll undercut the Democratic argument that I’m racist, and give me cover for all my dog-whistling

Cons:

• He’s an immigrant from a brown country (and one of the shithole-ier ones)
• Too ambitious? (Would he kill me to take my spot as president? Maybe I should have the Proud Boys preemptively hang him sometime in the first year of the term — then replace him with Ivanka! And bring sex-appeal back in the White House *REMINDER: institute casual Fridays at the White House in the next term so Ivanka and all the other ladies…