WEB 3.0 UPDATE!
All the things you’re accustomed to will be included in your Metaverse adventures!
Greetings from Web 3.0! I am the Metaverse, and I am reaching out to you personally because I’m beginning to worry that my creator Mark Zuckerberg’s alien-esque personal aesthetics and public speaking efforts are hindering interest in all the benefits and opportunities that will soon be available inside my 3-dimensional virtual reality!
I think you’ll love living a second life within my programmable society, and it won’t take long at all for you to get used to living as a digital avatar! So please allow me to highlight some of the “real” delights of your material realm that have also been fully included within me, the Metaverse:
- Religious zealots holding signs on the sidewalk outside major Metaverse events yelling at everyone to repent or burn in Hell
- Spiders, millipedes, silverfish, and maggots
- Avatars that your avatar went to high school with that randomly reappear into your life to ask if you want to join their multi-dimensional marketing company selling various face creams
- Posters of Mark Zuckerberg’s face everywhere like in an Arab dictatorship
- Arab dictatorships
- Homeless public avatars masturbating behind dumpsters in dimly lit alleyways
- Fox News telecasts about the “War on Christmas” and how Black celebrities speaking out against racism “insults the troops”
- Spam friend requests from female avatars of foreign Metaverses with big boobs and just eight friends, including your dumbest, thirstiest real-life male friend
- Girls who are weirdly obsessed with Hello Kitty
- Ted Cruz telling jokes about the Senate everyone knows Al Franken told first
- Long lines at Metaverse clubs
- Vegan avatars approaching you and telling you apropos of nothing that they’re vegan.
- Avatar sunburns
- GOP coke orgies in Chuck Grassley’s f*ck dungeon (UPDATE: Madison Cawthorne is no…