WEB 3.0 UPDATE!

The Metaverse Has A Charming Invitation For You!

Dash MacIntyre

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All the things you’re accustomed to will be included in your Metaverse adventures!

Photo by Lucrezia Carnelos on Unsplash

Greetings from Web 3.0! I am the Metaverse, and I am reaching out to you personally because I’m beginning to worry that my creator Mark Zuckerberg’s alien-esque personal aesthetics and public speaking efforts are hindering interest in all the benefits and opportunities that will soon be available inside my 3-dimensional virtual reality!

I think you’ll love living a second life within my programmable society, and it won’t take long at all for you to get used to living as a digital avatar! So please allow me to highlight some of the “real” delights of your material realm that have also been fully included within me, the Metaverse:

  • Religious zealots holding signs on the sidewalk outside major Metaverse events yelling at everyone to repent or burn in Hell
  • Spiders, millipedes, silverfish, and maggots
  • Avatars that your avatar went to high school with that randomly reappear into your life to ask if you want to join their multi-dimensional marketing company selling various face creams
  • Posters of Mark Zuckerberg’s face everywhere like in an Arab dictatorship
  • Arab dictatorships
  • Anti-Semitism
  • Homeless public avatars masturbating behind dumpsters in dimly lit alleyways
  • Fox News telecasts about the “War on Christmas” and how Black celebrities speaking out against racism “insults the troops”
  • Spam friend requests from female avatars of foreign Metaverses with big boobs and just eight friends, including your dumbest, thirstiest real-life male friend
  • Girls who are weirdly obsessed with Hello Kitty
  • Ted Cruz telling jokes about the Senate everyone knows Al Franken told first
  • Long lines at Metaverse clubs
  • Patriarchy
  • Vegan avatars approaching you and telling you apropos of nothing that they’re vegan.
  • Avatar sunburns
  • GOP coke orgies in Chuck Grassley’s f*ck dungeon (UPDATE: Madison Cawthorne is no…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.