RECORD-BREAKING DUMB

The Internet’s 25 Dumbest Personal Essays

Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash

• Why I’m A Straight, White, Conservative Male, But Pretend To Be A Gay, Black, Liberal, Trans Woman On Twitter To Criticize Gays, Blacks, Liberals And Trans People
• White People Said We Were Sorry. Why It’s Exhausting That That’s Not Enough.
• What I Learned About Ageism As An 87-Year-Old Spinster Who Tells People On Dating Apps I’m 22 And “DTF”
• Why I Love Snooping In Everybody’s Things, And Shouldn’t Be Expected To Change
• Why I’ve Learned To Appreciate, Honor, And Even Love Belgians, And Now I Only Hate The Dutch
• What I Learned About Big Pharma By Taking Garbage Bags Out Of Public Trash Cans, Cutting Holes In The Bottom Corner, And Drinking The Mystery Liquids That Come Out
• I Lived A Charmed Life. Then My Husband Said I Couldn’t Adopt A 16th Cat
• The 5 Valuable Life Lessons I’m Sharing With The World By Once A Week Finding A Stranger’s House On Google Maps To Mail A Box Full Of Live Spiders
• How Eating Fried Green Tomatoes At A BBQ Restaurant Made Me Realize I Don’t Actually Care Much For Fried Green Tomatoes
• How My Sex Work Roleplaying As Gollum From The Lord Of The Rings For Lonely Millionaires Gave Me The Confidence To Leave My Husband And 6 Kids, And Run A Sex Dungeon Themed Airbnb In A Missouri Cave
• The 9 Disrespectful Microaggressions That Stamp Collectors Regularly Have To Deal With When We Show People Our Collections
• Women Never Noticed Me. Until I Stalked Them For Months Always A Court-Mandated 50 Feet Away. Here’s Why Blame Goes Both Ways.
• I’m So Nervous To Poop Around People I Go Outside And Poop In The Woods Behind The House When My Husband Is Home. I Tell Him I Love Hiking. Here’s How I Came To Terms With This.
• The Woke Mob Loves Bashing Benito Mussolini. Here’s What They Get Wrong.
• No One Believes I’m Bisexual Because I’m Married To A Man And Only Ever Dated Men And Don’t Have Any Female Friends, But I’m Still Just As Much A Social Victim Of Systemic Oppression As Black And Trans People!
• I Thought Eating Spicy Things Only Burned Going In. Boy Was I Wrong When It Came Out The Other End Of Me!
• How Raising My 11-Year-Old Daughter As A Libertarian Fundamentalist Turned Her Into A Mean, Selfish, Psycho Who Bullies Me Daily And Parasitically Does Not Contribute To The Family In Any Way
• I’ve Been Sexually Attracted To Squirrels My Entire Life. Here’s Why I’m Speaking Out Now.
• Why I Have My Kids Tell Everyone We Have Native Amazonian Genetic Heritage Even Though Really We’re Just Boring Irish And German
• My Cubicle At Work Has A Door And No Windows. Here’s Why It Shouldn’t Matter What Blocked Websites I Try To Visit During Work Hours.
• I Thought Life Wasn’t Worth Living. Then I Discovered Herpetology.
• Why I Dress Up Like Mr. Rogers, The Pope, And Santa Claus And Flash People On Downtown Busses
• I’ve Been Accused Of Being An Oblivious Narcissist Who Reframes It In My Head As Empowerment, And Here’s Why They’re Wrong
• THE SECURITY CAMERAS ON PEOPLE’S HOMES ARE PEEPING ON ME JUST AS MUCH AS I’M PEEPING ON THOSE HOME OWNERS!
• I Know My Rights, And It’s Only Illegal To Shout “Fire” In A Crowded Movie Theatre. So Here’s Why I Shout “Rats! Rats everywhere!” 🥃

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