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The Guide To Whether Republicans Think Teenagers Are Children Or Adults
The following are topics on which Republicans can’t make up their minds whether teenagers should be thought of as innocent children or life-hardened adults:
Reading books: Children! Teens are extremely impressionable, and must be sheltered from any and all sexual or transgender material. If teenagers read a single book with a gay or trans character, you can kiss their cisgender heterosexuality away! They’ll dye their hair blue, pin animé buttons all over their jackets and backpacks, and swear allegiance to Bernie Sanders and Jospeh Stalin in midnight ceremonies outside in the woods like nerdy Wiccan lesbians. And they’ll bother you all the time about recycling and pronouns. In fact, to undo all the liberal brainwashing in the mainstream media, you should probably force your teenagers to watch an hour of straight porn every day. Only the missionary position, though. You don’t want to make sex look like fun to your teen daughters.
Jobs: Adults! Teens are practically full-on adults, and deserve the right to work after school or even drop out to make money. Plus, it’s better for our economy if we have our children compete against the child labor in Asia. America needs to be competitive! And it’s much cheaper for our coal mines to dig tunnels for children rather than the bigger tunnels needed for…
