Ghost activity at the White House is increasing unexpectedly, and staffers from the Biden Administration are reporting an uptick in the number of encounters with the ghosts of former presidents:
George Washington floats around confessing that he accidentally sparked the French and Indian War (7 Years’ War) in the 1760s.
Rutherford Hayes asks White House visitors, “What’s the big problem with Joe Biden sniffing kids’ hair? Sniffing kids’ hair is great!”
James Buchanan tells anyone who will listen, “I was a lifelong bachelor, and my almost inseparable best friend was male. You know what that means when you read it in the history books, don’t you?”
Warren Harding hides in closets and when guests are getting dressed he says, “You know how much poon I used to get in here? Bill Clinton’s a virgin compared to me! Also, my wife murdered me with poison! Look it up! I actually didn’t mind. Teapot Dome was blowing up, and my mistress birthed a kid of mine. Let me tell you, thank God for Donald Trump because until him I was the worst president in the modern era! I may have been a swamp monster of corruption, but I’d never incite an attempted coup against the peaceful transfer of power!”
George H. W. Bush pinches women’s butts with his ghost fingers, then high-fives the Ghost of Gorbachev, and they drink ghost beers together and give each other the credit for ending the Cold War everyone else erroneously gives to Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher.
FDR rolls around in his ghost wheelchair telling people “I was wrong! There is much more to fear than fear itself! The afterlife is a purgatory realm of shadows and agonizing despair with no relief, rest, or existential catharsis! It is an eternal Greek underworld hell of soulless lingering in darkness! Why do I suffer now when I suffered so much in life! I had polio, you know!”
Millard Fillmore begs staffers, “Hey, show me some of those Only Fans videos! I’m so pissed I had to live in the 19th Century!”
Thomas Jefferson annoys White House guests describing in gratuitous detail why “Our Creator has advanced our pursuit of happiness giving us a wise and impish energy to appreciate the humor of John Adams being our…