HAUNTED D.C.
The Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln Is Haunting Republicans In Congress
Ghost activity in Washington D.C. is increasing unexpectedly, and Republican Congressional staffers are reporting an uptick in the number of encounters with the ghosts of former presidents, particularly the first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln.
Abraham Lincoln comes by in the evenings and screams at Republican members of Congress working late for ruining his party, and he explains to them how he’d 100% be a Democrat today if he were still alive because, if Republicans did the slightest bit of research into the GOP’s 1860s party platform, they would discover wildly liberal planks and policy ideas, such as funding extensive internal infrastructure — particularly railroads — uninhibited asylum and citizenship rights to any immigrant who wanted them, “vigorous” taxation, and governmental intervention to expand and ensure civil rights for freed slaves.
“Which party does that sound most like today?” Lincoln demands at the end of his rants. “Look at an electoral map of 1860. Which states elected me? Geographically, the exact same power base as the states that elected Joe Biden! There is nothing more deserving of an eye roll in all of American domestic politics than hearing aggressively ignorant conservatives think they’re making a worthwhile political argument in…
