Ted Cruz Loves That Matt Gaetz Is Now The Most Hated Man In Congress

Dash MacIntyre
5 min readJan 14, 2023
Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Senator Ted Cruz’s long career of narcissistically self-aggrandizing political stunts has won him few friends in politics. Actually, no friends.

But Matt Gaetz has now slightly edged out Cruz for the designation as “least popular member of Congress” thanks to his performative, governmental obstruction.

However, Cruz is still the most hated senator. These are the some of the most charitable remarks his fellow Republicans have said about him:

“I will never not hate Ted Cruz with a fiery passion,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “Nothing he says or does could ever change the fact I’ve repeated many times before that if someone killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, no Senators would vote to convict the murderer. I’d even vote to confirm that person onto the Supreme Court because killing Cruz would exemplify such clear and sound judgment!”

“Al Franken said it best when he said that he liked Ted Cruz more than most in the Senate, and that he hated Ted Cruz,” said Senator Ron Daniels. “Al Franken certainly liked Ted much more than I do! One time at a Republican caucus luncheon I saw Ted Cruz with spinach in his teeth, toilet paper stuck to his shoe, his pants zipper down, his shirt on inside-out, and a booger hanging from his nose… and I didn’t say a word to him about any of it!”

“I wish Ted Cruz would just stay in Cancun the next time he flies there during a Texan weather emergency,” said RNC spokeswoman Shelly Poitter. “I’d love it if the government would deport him to Mexico or Canada, except that releasing the bio weapon of mass annoyance that is Ted Cruz would likely be considered by those governments as an act of war. The United Nations would likely try to prosecute us for human rights violations.”

“In the Senate lunchroom, Ted Cruz always sits alone because when he tries to join any other table the people there tell him they’re saving the seat for someone, but that someone never comes and sits down,” said Senator Wendy Roche. “It almost makes you feel sympathy for a millisecond, before you remember he attempted to stop a bipartisan deal by shutting down the federal government all by himself just to promote himself ahead of his presidential campaign. Anyone who is a perennial…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.