Ted Cruz Just Proved His Loyalty To Trump By Admitting His Wife Is Ugly

Ted Cruz will do ANYTHING if he thinks it will help him run for president.

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readMay 30


Credit: Gage Skidmore | | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Senator Ted Cruz was widely mocked this morning for sucking up to President Donald Trump in the most opportunistic way imaginable: admitting Trump was right when he called Heidi Cruz, his wife, ugly.

Cruz displayed his loyalty to the President in the following Twitter thread:

“I am fully endorsing President Trump to defeat Joe Biden and the socialist Democrats. I know I’ve said some mean things about him in the past, but that was when we were caught up in the heat of the campaign. When I lost, I shook his colossal hands and realized President Trump is clearly a stronger, more virile man.”

“And I’m glad I lost because President Trump was the best president we ever had. He’s so honest, and never lies. In fact, he was telling the truth when he called my wife ugly. She’s way uglier than Melania! No one would ever want to take naked modeling photos of my wife like the ones of Melania. I know I attacked Trump for implying Heidi was ugly, but I was just upset about how right he was!”

“President Trump was also right about everything else he said about me and my family. My dad DID help assassinate Kennedy! It’s a well-known family secret. And the underside of my office’s desk IS covered with bloody boogers. My wife DOES scream out Donald’s name during intimacy, though Donald would of course never be with her — she’s way too ugly for him!”

“When the Russians hacked my emails like they did everyone else in 2016, they DID find copious amounts of squirrel porn in a folder titled ‘favorite psalms from the Bible.’ I DID pay prostitutes to go to law school parties with me so I could pretend I wasn’t lying when I talked about the girlfriend I had who no one ever met because she lived in Canada!”

“I DID come uninvited to one of the GOP’s coke orgies and cry while begging to just be allowed to watch! I DID like that porn video on Twitter, it wasn’t some staffer like I claimed! I DO regularly get vomited on when I try to flirt with women! Susan Collins DID get her first menopausal hot flash when I…



Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.