Ted Cruz Claims He’s The “Ryan Reynolds Of The Senate”

Dash MacIntyre
4 min readJun 15, 2022
Photo by GageSkidmore.com

Former Senator Al Franken has often claimed that Senator Ted Cruz is the most hated person in Congress due to his egotistical presidential ambitions, ceaseless opportunistic self-aggrandizement in Congress, and his talent for making people throw up in their mouths every time he talks.

Mr. Cruz, however, sees his personality a little differently.

“The haters only mock me because they’re jealous I’m the Ryan Reynolds of the Senate,” Cruz said on his podcast this morning. “They’re mad that their wives gossip about me, fantasize about being Mrs. Ted Cruz, and wish they had husbands as charming, debonaire, and witty as me! Seriously, I’m really funny. When I tell the womenfolk jokes, sometimes my cleverness makes them skip laughing entirely and just throw up! I’ve been vomited on so many times. I think it’s because my charm makes women so nervous about trying to impress me, and keep up with me intellectually. I had a big problem in my twenties and thirties dating because women would always vomit all over my face when I’d lean in for a kiss. Or try to hug them. Or try to hold their hands. Or ask them how it feels to be talking to a future president of the United States.”

Ted Cruz smiled his creepy, gelatinous, ugly deep sea monster smile before continuing.

“I guarantee that none of my Democratic colleagues in the Senate ever regularly made women throw up out of nervousness. Do you think Ryan Reynolds can control his manliness? I can’t either. Now, I know you’re probably thinking about Lindsey Graham’s claim that none of my Senate colleagues like me, and that if I was murdered in the Senate and the trial was prosecuted there, the murderer wouldn’t be found guilty. But Lindsey Graham is a prosecutor, that’s just how he flirts. And he gets awkward around me too. When I asked him if he’d be my vice president running mate back in 2016, he was so overcome with anxiety from the idea of potentially working with the best future president in history that he just burst out laughing. Then I had to ask Carly Fiorina, who was my second choice, and she almost accepted immediately… right after first projectile vomiting all over my clothes and into my eyes!”

Cruz then turned a little introspective.

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.