Ted Cruz Claims He’s The “Ryan Reynolds Of The Senate”
Former Senator Al Franken has often claimed that Senator Ted Cruz is the most hated person in Congress due to his egotistical presidential ambitions, ceaseless opportunistic self-aggrandizement in Congress, and his talent for making people throw up in their mouths every time he talks.
Mr. Cruz, however, sees his personality a little differently.
“The haters only mock me because they’re jealous I’m the Ryan Reynolds of the Senate,” Cruz said on his podcast this morning. “They’re mad that their wives gossip about me, fantasize about being Mrs. Ted Cruz, and wish they had husbands as charming, debonaire, and witty as me! Seriously, I’m really funny. When I tell the womenfolk jokes, sometimes my cleverness makes them skip laughing entirely and just throw up! I’ve been vomited on so many times. I think it’s because my charm makes women so nervous about trying to impress me, and keep up with me intellectually. I had a big problem in my twenties and thirties dating because women would always vomit all over my face when I’d lean in for a kiss. Or try to hug them. Or try to hold their hands. Or ask them how it feels to be talking to a future president of the United States.”
Ted Cruz smiled his creepy, gelatinous, ugly deep sea monster smile before continuing.
