Mitch McConnell’s Darkest Secret

Photo by Gage Skidmore

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell does NOT want you to find out about this! Or these other secrets either!

1. McConnell absolutely detests the sight of puppies and kittens. Big eyes, heads, and disproportionate limb sizes — objective displays of cuteness indicative of infancy in most mammals — have never warmed his heart.
2. He has always been grudgingly envious of popular people since middle school, which is why he worked so hard to make Obama a one-term president. His high school’s prom king disappeared after Mitch was the last person anyone saw him with.
3. He likes to secure power both political and personal quietly and methodically in the background. He believes his spirit animal is a wolf spider hiding in a hole waiting for its prey to move past so he can catch it and suck out all its juices.
4. He detests nicknames, references to Moscow, and being compared facially to a turtle because, as he points out to anyone who will listen, he obviously more resembles the terrestrial tortoise than the aquatic turtle.
5. He hates having to leave Washington D.C. to go back to Kentucky to campaign for reelection, and having to talk to Kentuckians in general. He once said his constituents are the dumbest in America, but that’s why he chose Kentucky to start his career because Kentuckians are easy to lie…