Member-only story
IN TORT-LER WE TRUST
Mitch McConnell Reportedly Prays To A Turtle God
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has some unusual, reptilian religious beliefs.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is reportedly only eating lettuce now, a diet he says will prepare his mortal body for the Great Shelling, the moment at the end of the Earth and all materialistic existence. Afterwards, McConnell has faith in a great reckoning in which righteous human souls will be gifted ethereal shells with which to swim through the cosmic waves toward the edge of the universal garden to float peacefully and eternally, basking in the warm, sunny goodness of the Ur-Turtle, Tort-Ler, the herpetological god and creator of the universe, whose ancient wisdom and omnipresence preserve justice and balance to all matter and spiritual beings in the Great Heavenly Pond of the Beyond.
McConnell claims he has seen unambiguous signs that the Great Shelling will take place any day now, and he has begun sneaking breaks during the Congressional work day to go out in the sun in front of the Capitol Building and take a sun shower to purify his cold-blooded veins in prayer and meditation, and absolve himself of his reptilian sins.
