Mitch McConnell Has Begun Praying Multiple Times A Day To A Turtle God

McConnell is reportedly only eating lettuce now.

Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is reportedly only eating lettuce now, a diet he says will prepare his mortal body for the Great Shelling, the moment at the end of the Earth and all materialistic existence.