Mike Pence: “America Should Thank Trump For Likely Speeding Up The Rapture”

Dash MacIntyre
4 min readFeb 22
(Official White House photo by D. Myles Cullen | Public Domain CC 1.0)

Former Vice President Mike Pence today told reporters this afternoon that Americans do not appreciate everything President Donald Trump did for God.

“Probably no one in America is doing more to speed up the Rapture than Donald Trump,” explained Pence in the beginning of a meandering monologue to the press. “The Democrats made it seem like COVID was a big deal because so many people were dying prematurely, but that’s just like Democrats to question God’s perfect plan, isn’t it? In fact, the more people who die from the Coronavirus means the more likely it is that Jesus will come back to intervene and save everyone from COVID, so he can then snap his fingers, bring about the end times, and send everyone but the chosen few to Hell like as described in my personal interpretation of Revelations. In fact, I support Donald Trump making all of our country’s problems worse with my full, Christian heart. Like any good Republican, I am confident Jesus will come back any day now, possibly any minute now, but certainly in my lifetime. The Democrats call it ‘narcissistic,’ and ‘unprofessional,’ and ‘bad governance’ to be entirely unconcerned with the future, but that’s because the Democrats are all atheists. And, if you ask me, it’s narcissistic of Democrats to care about domestic policy, and foreign policy, and public health as if they’re pretending to be good Christians committed to fulfilling good deeds and services for the less fortunate. But real Christians know they’re justified in faith alone! In fact, good deeds are a heresy! No good Christian would ever get in the way of God making apparently sinful people suffer! It’s an insult to God’s master plan! Liberals are always trying to help the poor, and the old, and the needy, and children, but it’s absurd for Democrats to think that’s anyone’s job except Jesus’s job. If there are suffering people in America, maybe Jesus wants them to suffer, and who are we to question Jesus Christ? Like any good Republican, Donald Trump and I ask why we should bother getting involved with the problems of our society’s most marginalized members. And why bother trying to fix all the geopolitical problems around the globe? Who cares if human rights are being denied and trampled on all around the world? This life doesn’t matter at all! Only the next life matters, and my next…

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Follow THP at twitter.com/HalfwayPost to read my Dada news.