LEAK ALERT!

Mike Johnson’s Secret Deals To Become Speaker Of The House Were Revealed!

House Republicans had a lot of demands for their Speaker voters

Dash MacIntyre
5 min readNov 12, 2023

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Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was elected by the Republican caucus out of left field, and he reportedly agreed to the following deals with GOP representatives for their votes:

  • The House Ethics Committee will be shut down because, as one member phrased it, “The Ethics Committee is made up of a bunch of socialist, boy scouts who keep asking too many questions about why so many of the GOP’s super PAC donations are in Russian Rubles and Saudi Riyals.
  • The House Committee on National Security will designate the IRS as a “State Sponsor of Terrorism” for terrifying billionaires, and put all IRS agents on the no-fly list.
  • Republicans will authorize funding for 1,000 new welfare auditors over the next ten years to police against people using food stamps to buy name-brand foods.
  • C-SPAN cameras are not allowed to zoom in on Lauren Boebert while she’s sitting in the House gallery with dates in case she wants to get a little handsy.
  • The House will formally recommend new ethics rules for Supreme Court justices that authorize the GOP’s “Big Brother/Big Sister” program where each conservative justice is matched with a “Big” billionaire who buys them real estate and takes them on monthly yacht and private plane vacations.
  • Jim Jordan’s district will be redrawn to be even more gerrymandered.
  • Congressional Republicans will get their own cafeteria where the chefs ignore all the FDA’s regulations on food sanitation, preparation, storage, and service to prove that cutting all health and safety regulations will make dining better and more American.
  • The 2024 budget will include a tax loophole that makes all trips to Mar-a-Lago or any other Trump properties by any member of Congress tax-exempt.
  • House members will collectively come up with 365 ideas for reasons to impeach Joe Biden, and then they’ll put them in a hat and every morning pick one and vote on it.
  • The House will formally apologize to Donald Trump for his two…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.