Melania Trump has a new book coming out titled Becoming Melania, which some commentators have suggested is unusually close to her First Lady predecessor’s book, Becoming by Michelle Obama.
Name aside, early reviewers are expressing shock at how negatively she writes about her husband, Donald Trump.
The following are some exclusive excerpts from the book:
- Donald’s morning hair and makeup routine takes twice as long as hers.
- When Donald farts he bends his head down to his knees, takes a big whiff, and yells “Take that, climate change!”
- Melania once snooped in Donald’s cell phone and saw several late night “u up?” texts he had sent to Ivanka that she never responded to.
- Donald insisted they name their son Barron after Donald’s alter-ego, John Barron, the name Donald used in order to call up newspaper reporters and invent stories about himself. His explanation was that Don Jr. turned out to be such a loser, he at least wanted his alter ego to have a name that wouldn’t be ruined by an idiot son.
- The first time Melania met Donald’s son Eric, Donald whispered in her ear “I’m not really the father on that one.”
- Donald has a TV in every room he ever goes in so he can play cable news television shows 24 hours a day. Whenever he hears his name said, he yells at everyone to shut up so he can hear what they say about him. He keeps the TVs playing while sleeping, and somehow snaps awake every time his name is mentioned and he mumble-yells “What are they saying?! What did they say?!”
- Melania has caught him masturbating different times to pictures of Ivanka, Nancy Pelosi, and Angela Merkel.
- Melania became friends with Stormy Daniels after she publicized Donald’s mushroom penis, and they have lunch once a month.
- Throughout Donald’s presidency, Melania threatened to humiliate him with a divorce several times to win all kinds of concessions from him. This is how she procured Barron more money in Donald’s will than either Eric or Don Jr. will get.
- Anytime Ivanka is wearing white clothes, Melania “accidentally” spills food or a drink on her.