Mar-A-Lago Event Contracts Now Stipulate That Trump Gets 30 Minutes To Rant At Your Event

Dash MacIntyre
4 min readSep 26, 2022
Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com| via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

A new clause in the contracts for events hosted at Donald Trump’s Palm Springs resort Mar-a-Lago reserves Mr. Trump the right to interrupt any festivities for 30 minutes to rant about whatever comes to his mind.

Trump is already making good use of the clause, and so far has interrupted weddings, birthday celebrations, and even married couples’ anniversary dinners in which a waiter brings an extra chair and a Diet Coke for Trump to sit down next to the two lovers and explain his theories on how the 2020 election was rigged against him.

The following are all ways in which Trump has utilized this new event contract clause:

  • He interrupted a girl’s 16th birthday party to complain that the Deep State is investigating Matt Gaetz, and said he hopes Gaetz doesn’t have to go to prison because, since Jeffrey Epstein died, he hasn’t had any other friends who hang around young girls anymore.
  • Trump ruined his own golf tournament he was hosting when he accused the winner of cheating and called the cops to escort the winner off his property, and then kept the trophy for himself.
  • Trump interrupted a eulogy at a funeral held at Mar-a-Lago to complain that hair dryers are getting too strong and ruining everyone’s hair.
  • During a charity event raising awareness about the evil of child sex-trafficking, Trump walked in visibly high on Adderall with blue-stained nostrils and asked when the bidding for girls would start.
  • During a benefit for WW2 veterans, Trump ranted about how loyal the Nazis’ generals were to Hitler, and how America’s generals are sissies because they wouldn’t shoot protesters or confiscate voting machines.
  • Trump sat down at a table with a couple celebrating the wife’s 45th birthday, and told the husband that he always thought 45 is the age when it’s time for men to divorce their wives to upgrade and get a younger one. Then he sadly explained how being President made him have to stick with “that old hag Melania” for much longer than he’d typically like.
  • At an awards ceremony for a local Girl Scout troop, Trump used his half hour to warn the girls about what monsters puberty is…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.