Local Republican Says God Told Him It Was Cool For His Mistress To Get An Abortion

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readJun 24, 2022
Photo by Gayatri Malhotra

Following the Supreme Court’s ruling that gutted Roe V. Wade’s protections for abortion, outspoken pro-life GOP Representative Jeff Reisingler of Louisiana says it’s not hypocritical that he pressured a mistress he accidentally got pregnant to have an abortion.

“This is entirely different from the abortions I have made my career trying to ban,” explained Reisingler in a press conference this morning. “For starters, when I found out my mistress was pregnant, I did a lot of soul-searching and praying, and with 100% certainty I can confirm that God gave me unambiguous signs that the abortion affecting my personal life was totally cool with Him. He said, just this one time, it was okay on account of how promising my career in Congress is.”

Despite Reisingler’s wife filing for divorce within hours of his public announcement, he is adamant that he’s just as committed to Christian family values as ever.

“My wife is the one who has given up on family values, not me! When I told her God was commanding that she stay with me, she kicked me in the nuts, which is a direct affront to the Lord’s obvious intentions. I told her that if she kept trying to squash my testicles, God would only give me more mistresses to impregnate with the sperm I have left, since our Heavenly Father clearly thinks they’re blessed enough for some extramarital baby-making! My wife also took that the wrong way, and I’m starting to believe she has been faking her Christian faith all this time if she’s now outright refusing to go along with God’s flawless master plan. Thankfully I was at least able to talk God out of me having to go through with the whole ordeal of having the kid with the mistress, and I’m just glad those devilish, succubus Democrat nurses at Planned Parenthood let me out of the building alive. Their eyes were glowing red, and I could see their sharp baby-eating fangs, but I brought my Bible along, and it protected me from their dark, liberal sorcery.”

Reisingler explained that Democrats are still “way bigger baby killers” than him.

“Look, I don’t like abortions like the Democrats do. They love them! They wish they could abort all the fetuses in the world. Meanwhile, I’ve only aborted one, and, like I said…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.