Local Republican Says God Told Him It Was Cool For His Mistress To Get An Abortion
Following the Supreme Court’s ruling that gutted Roe V. Wade’s protections for abortion, outspoken pro-life GOP Representative Jeff Reisingler of Louisiana says it’s not hypocritical that he pressured a mistress he accidentally got pregnant to have an abortion.
“This is entirely different from the abortions I have made my career trying to ban,” explained Reisingler in a press conference this morning. “For starters, when I found out my mistress was pregnant, I did a lot of soul-searching and praying, and with 100% certainty I can confirm that God gave me unambiguous signs that the abortion affecting my personal life was totally cool with Him. He said, just this one time, it was okay on account of how promising my career in Congress is.”
Despite Reisingler’s wife filing for divorce within hours of his public announcement, he is adamant that he’s just as committed to Christian family values as ever.
“My wife is the one who has given up on family values, not me! When I told her God was commanding that she stay with me, she kicked me in the nuts, which is a direct affront to the Lord’s obvious intentions. I told her that if she kept trying to squash my testicles, God would only give me more mistresses to impregnate with the sperm I have left, since our…
