Laws Women Would Write If They Were As Sexist As Men

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readSep 17, 2023
Photo by ThisisEngineering RAEng on Unsplash
  • The Bible is very clear that men must not be allowed to waste their seed, so therefore masturbation should be highly criminalized with a minimum punishments of ten years.
  • Men must start paying child support as soon as conception occurs, and the rate must be no less than 50% of their income in accordance with masculine responsibility as the head of the family, and in accordance with Christian family values.
  • Viagra and other erectile dysfunction pills are henceforth banned because they go against God’s grand, master plan. Maybe men should thank God for blessing them with tiny, flaccid penises, and honor God’s intentions for their erectile dysfunction.
  • Men must wear jockstraps and protective cups at all times to protect their sperm. Any infertile men will be investigated and prosecuted if gonadal negligence has been suspected.
  • Men must start wearing baggy robes over their clothes to school as soon as they reach puberty to cover any visible signs of erections they might get. Outlines of erections in their pants will be distracting for the girls in class, and boys will be sent home to change if they do not cover themselves in several layers.
  • Men must get a vasectomy at the time of their wife’s choosing. Any effort to reverse the vasectomy must be consented to by his wife with written approval presented to the women’s doctors. Unmarried men cannot get vasectomies because they might regret someday not having kids. God intended them to be baby makers.
  • Courts and judges will no longer consider men’s testimony to carry the same evidentiary weight as women’s testimony on account of how often men get carried away by their emotional instability.
  • Unmarried men must have written permission from their mothers to leave the house unaccompanied, or they’ll be suspected of prostitution. Without written permission, they must be accompanied by a female relative, either a sister or cousin.
  • Women can legally shoot or abuse their husbands non-fatally for the purpose of correcting their behavior.
  • Honor-killing of unfaithful husbands gets a more lenient prison sentence than regular husband murders.
  • Women cannot be prosecuted for engaging in pegging of unconscious men if alcohol was involved.
  • Divorcing men is legally permitted and culturally acceptable if they do not or cannot return the favor of orgasm.

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.