BACK IN THE DATING POOL

Lauren Boebert’s Tinder Profile Was Just Found

Dash MacIntyre

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Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Lauren Boebert

— 37 years old

— Washington D.C. most of the year, Colorado the rest (which Congressional district I live in is very fluid at the moment)

Hey, y’all! You may know me from helping incite an insurrection, but on here I’m only trying to incite an erection… if you catch my drift! 😉

REQUIREMENTS

  • THE PERFECT LOVER FOR ME is a mix between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin with a dash of Heinrich Himmler. MUST have strong authoritarian tendencies. I want a man who wants to be a dictator in the country AND in the bedroom, and nothing gets me hotter than a man willing to try a coup — again, in the country AND in the bedroom.
  • UNVACCINATED ONLY. I won’t date any sheep who don’t do their own research, and just blindly trust medical professionals. I only get my medical advice from websites with the word “Freedom” in their URLs.
  • MUST KNOW WHAT “FJB” MEANS. I don’t know how, but that’s what I involuntarily shout when we’re knocking boots.
  • I LOVE GIVING HANDIES in liberal spaces, like theaters, college campuses, the Social Security office, and New York City. It owns the libs so hard.
  • OBVIOUSLY NO LIBTARDS, or Jews, Muslims, Asians, Blacks, or Hispanics. The only people getting in me are the people the Founding Fathers intended to get in America: agrarian-minded Christian whites who didn’t graduate high school and are tolerant of the economic benefits of owning other people.
  • DOESN’T READ BOOKS! No socialist college graduates, Stalinist masters degrees, or full on communist doctoral theses! Education is a Trojan horse for the liberals to sneak Critical Race Theory into your brain, so I prefer men who dropped out of high school and get by with the common sense of a farming hillbilly (previous bestiality experiences are a dealbreaker for me though).
  • MUST LOVE GUNS. My house is filled with tons of them hidden everywhere in case Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi ever try to sneak in at night to suck my blood! Full disclosure: during fights with my ex-husband I occasionally pulled out an AR-15 and aimed it at his head, but I’m currently in…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.