Kevin McCarthy’s Secret Agreement To Become Speaker Was Just Revealed

Dash MacIntyre
5 min readSep 23, 2023
Official White House photo (cropped) by Carlos Fyfe | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0

Before becoming Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy agreed to a secret 3-page addendum to the official House rules in order to earn the votes of the House’s most MAGA members in the Freedom Caucus, including Lauren Boebert and Matt Gaetz.

Eyewitnesses claim the Freedom Caucus members forced McCarthy to eat the document to dispose of the evidence as soon as they agreed on its terms. Gaetz later bragged about the fact that he had jerked off onto the document before starting the crowd’s chanting that made McCarthy eat it.

However, one moderate Republican, who requested anonymity, leaked some of the rules he remembers reading on the list because the Freedom Caucus members’ ongoing threat of a government shutdown has offended him and disgusted him over how much McCarthy has let the “radical MAGA nutjobs” walk all over him.

The following are as many of the secret, agreed upon conditions to McCarthy’s Speakership that the representative remembers:

  • The House ethics committee will be entirely shut down because, as one member explained, “the ethics committee are a bunch of socialist, boy scouts who keep asking too many questions about why so many GOP Congressional super PAC donations are in Russian Rubles.
  • The House Committee on National Security will designate the IRS as a “State Sponsor of Terrorism” for terrifying billionaires.
  • Lauren Boebert will be allowed to bring dates into the House gallery to watch official proceedings, and the C-SPAN cameras are not allowed to film her giving them handies.
  • Republicans will authorize funding for 87,000 auditors over the next ten years to police against food stamp auditors.
  • The House will vote to allow every Supreme Court justice to get matched with one patron “Big Brother” or “Big Sister” billionaire
  • Republicans will get their own food line in Congress where the chefs ignore all the FDA’s regulations on food sanitation, preparation, storage, and service to prove that the totally free market is best.
  • The House will change the tax code so that all trips by members to Mar-a-Lago or other Trump properties are tax-exempt.

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.