Kevin McCarthy’s Secret Agreement To Become Speaker Just Leaked

Photo by Caleb Perez on Unsplash

Before becoming Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy agreed to a secret 3-page addendum to the official House rules in order to earn the votes of the House’s most MAGA members in the Freedom Caucus, including Lauren Boebert and Matt Gaetz.

Eyewitnesses claim the Freedom Caucus members forced McCarthy to eat the document to dispose of the evidence as soon as they agreed on its terms. Gaetz later bragged about the fact that he had jerked off onto the document before starting the crowd’s chanting that made McCarthy eat it.

However, one moderate Republican, who requested anonymity, leaked some of the rules he remembers from the list because the Freedom Caucus members’ subterfuge of regular Congressional order infuriates him:

• The House Ethics Committee will be shut down because, as one member phrased it, “The Ethics Committee is made up of a bunch of socialist, boy scouts who keep asking too many questions about why so many of the GOP’s super PAC donations are in Russian Rubles and Saudi Riyals.
• The House Committee on National Security will designate the IRS as a “State Sponsor of Terrorism” for terrifying billionaires, and put all IRS agents on the no-fly list.
• Republicans will authorize funding for 1,000 new welfare auditors over the next…