Kevin McCarthy’s Last Minute Deals To Earn Speaker Votes

Kevin is increasingly desperate for votes he doesn’t have.

Credit: Matt Johnson | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

The following are last-minute promises Kevin McCarthy agreed to in order to avoid the political embarrassment of losing the vote for Speaker of the House a 16th time:

• Lauren Boebert can start bringing a gun onto the House floor every day
• All Freedom Caucus members get to kick Kevin McCarthy in the testicles every first Tuesday of the month
• The House will show off Hunter Biden’s dick pics on C-SPAN on day 1
• Jewish representatives in the Republican caucus have to start wearing a yellow star on their suit jackets
• The House will institute a new rule that all members have to say “merry Christmas,” and, if they say “happy holidays,” they will be fined $100
• The House will start hosting monthly tours of the Capitol for Proud Boys and Oath Keepers
• Every morning the House will formally apologize to billionaires and corporations for taxing them
• The bathroom signs that say “Employees must wash their hands” will all be removed because they’re an infringement on Constitutional rights
• Paintings of Jesus in any House member’s office must all…