Jesus Wants Us To Stop Saying No One Suffered More Than Him

Jesus is asking Christians to stop fetishizing His crucifixion.

Dash MacIntyre
4 min readMay 26
Photo by Myriam Zilles on Unsplash

In a rare media interview with Jesus Christ, the Messiah said that Christians are fetishizing His suffering too much.

“I mean, look at Prometheus,” Jesus said. “That guy is a tough SOB, what with His organs getting shredded apart by an eagle every day for eternity. I was put on a cross, but only for a day. Like, yeah, it hurt to have My hands nailed, and to just kind of hang there for a bit. And there was the spear stabbing in My ribs, that wasn’t pleasant, of course. But crucifixion just doesn’t compare to being chained to a mountain and being partly eaten alive every day by eagles with razor sharp beaks and talons. Literally, every day. Like, this morning, and yesterday, and it’ll happen again tomorrow, and the day after. Forever. Prometheus is always mocking Me for the way Christians pretend no one ever suffered more than Me. He loves to point out that My crucifixion only lasted six hours when lots of Roman crucifixions would last days. And Prometheus tells everyone who will listen how crucifixion is really not a novel, unique, or imaginative way for a deity to die. It doesn’t compare at all to His eagle attacks. Then there’s the Norse god Baldr, son of Odin, who died tragically by a spear made out of mistletoe at a festive banquet. The Greek god Cronus castrated and murdered His father, and was later imprisoned alive for eternity after a spectacular battle against the Titans with Zeus. As you can see, crucifixion is actually kind of boring. Rome did countless crucifixions. After the rebellion Spartacus led, Rome crucified as many 6,000 slaves all at once in a line along a road that led from Rome all the way to Capua! Like, honestly, as far as horrible experiences go, My crucifixion really wasn’t, like, quote ‘the worst’ of all time. I sure wouldn’t want to be Sisyphus. It’s difficult to compare a very finite amount of time on a cross to an infinite and futile amount of pushing a giant boulder up a mountain.”

Jesus sighed, and then continued.

“So if readers come away with one lesson from this interview, I hope it’s that Christians should stop glorifying my suffering so much. Especially…



Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Follow THP at twitter.com/HalfwayPost to read my Dada news.