Jesus Wants To Know Why “Christians” Aren’t Jewish

Dash MacIntyre
8 min readSep 25
Photo by Zachary Olson on Unsplash

Jesus Christ returned today 2,000 years after His crucifixion, and, following a brief look around Earth, apparently got angry at what he saw.

“What the f*ck is a Christian?” Jesus demanded. “When did I say you didn’t have to be Jewish? Oh, that’s right, I didn’t! I’m a Jew! I ate only boring, kosher food, and I skipped out on eating shrimp and pork, and I never ate the fat of meat! You know why? Because the Bible is unambiguously clear that all the fat on meat must be offered to God! Seriously, who made up the rule that my followers don’t have to be Jewish? I don’t want to go around checking everyone’s penises to see who is circumcised, but I’ll do it if I have to!”

Several bystanders reportedly didn’t know what to say. One of them suggested it was St. Paul who went around converting Greeks instead of Jews.

“Who the f*ck is Paul?” continued Jesus. “And what’s a saint? I don’t remember any Pauls in My Disciples. There were only twelve, you know? If he had been there, I think I’d remember him! And what’s all this Catholic sh*t? When did I do any of that bullsh*t? What the f*ck is a Pope, and who gives a sh*t about them living in Rome? Did I ever live in Rome? No! And why aren’t any women involved in the church? Trust Me, every crew needs a prostitute. I never said all the churches’ leadership had to be total sausage fests. And what’s with all those gaudy hats and robes, and all the gold everywhere in the Vatican? If these so-called Catholic priests are allegedly trying to be like Me, why aren’t they styling themselves according to My homeless-chic fashion! Sandals and one solid tunic are all you need to preach. These Catholic bishops and popes wear the gayest sh*t I’ve ever seen! And speaking of gays, when did I ever say to persecute them? Did I ever persecute anyone? I was wandering around Judea with twelve dudes for months turning water into wine every night. Let’s just say we had some wild, exploratory nights together. The only people I said to persecute were money-changers and selfish, greedy assholes. I was painfully clear that you couldn’t be rich if you wanted to get into Heaven. So what the Hell is this bullsh*t Catholic Church doing stockpiling so much art, gold, and treasures in their giant, elaborate palaces and castles? And why are all the people in their paintings white…

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.