If Women Wrote Laws As Sexist As Republican Men…

Photo by Antonino Visalli

The gutting of Roe Vs. Wade by the new conservative supermajority on the Supreme Court has really turned a page for the Republican Party. Virtually overnight the GOP has punted its Trump-era focus on ruining the lives of brown people and immigrants, and adopted a new, enthusiastic platform of ruining the lives of women.

Say what you will about Donald Trump’s casual misogyny and long history of sexual assault, the GOP’s new nation-wide insistence that women are slavish “vessels” for forced procreation is quite a revolting evolution in Republican policies.

So I thought it would be fun to imagine laws women could write that would be just as horrifying for men as the new GOP laws are for women:

• The Bible says men are not allowed to waste their seed, therefore masturbation will be highly criminalized with minimum punishments of 10 years.
• Men must start paying child support as soon as conception occurs, and the rate must be no less than 50% of their income in accordance with family values.
• Viagra and other erectile dysfunction pills will be banned because they go against God’s plan. Maybe men should thank God for blessing them with tiny, flaccid penises.
• Men must wear jockstraps and protective cups at all times to protect their sperm. Any infertile men will be investigated and prosecuted if gonadal negligence has been suspected.
• Men must start wearing baggy robes over their clothes to school as soon as they reach puberty to cover any visible signs of erections they might get. Outlines of erections in their pants will be distracting for the girls in class, and boys will be sent home to change if they do not cover themselves in several layers.
• Men must get a vasectomy at the time of their wife’s choosing. Any effort to reverse the vasectomy must be consented to by his wife with written approval. Unmarried men cannot get vasectomies.
• Courts and judges will no longer consider men’s testimony to carry the same evidentiary weight as women’s testimony on account of men often being carried away by their emotions.
• Unmarried men must have written permission from their mothers to leave the house unaccompanied, or they’ll be…