If Women Wrote Laws As Sexist As Republican Men…

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readJul 26, 2022
Photo by Antonino Visalli

The gutting of Roe Vs. Wade by the new conservative supermajority on the Supreme Court has really turned a page for the Republican Party. Virtually overnight the GOP has punted its Trump-era focus on ruining the lives of brown people and immigrants, and adopted a new, enthusiastic platform of ruining the lives of women.

Say what you will about Donald Trump’s casual misogyny and long history of sexual assault, the GOP’s new nation-wide insistence that women are slavish “vessels” for forced procreation is quite a revolting evolution in Republican policies.

So I thought it would be fun to imagine laws women could write that would be just as horrifying for men as the new GOP laws are for women:

  • The Bible says men are not allowed to waste their seed, therefore masturbation will be highly criminalized with minimum punishments of 10 years.
  • Men must start paying child support as soon as conception occurs, and the rate must be no less than 50% of their income in accordance with family values.
  • Viagra and other erectile dysfunction pills will be banned because they go against God’s plan. Maybe men should thank God for blessing them with tiny, flaccid penises.
  • Men must wear jockstraps and protective cups at all times to protect their sperm. Any…



Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.