If Trump Was President When Putin Invaded Ukraine…

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readOct 1
(Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0)

When Vladimir Putin masses troops on the Ukrainian border, the Trump Administration rubber-stamps Russian propaganda denying it. Trump ends all Ukrainian assistance because Zelensky “is a mean, nasty guy” that the “Biden crime family” colluded with, and he refuses to commit to defending a very concerned Poland, Lithuania, Estonia and Latvia despite our blood-brother NATO Article 5 pact.

When Putin invades, Trump refuses to address his earlier claims that Russia had no intention to attack, and he calls Putin a clever genius. He denies Russian troops are committing any war crimes, and says he trusts Putin over the unanimous confirmations of the military and national security apparatus that the Russians are pillaging, raping, and butchering Bucha and other cities.

In a press conference Trump claims, “A lot of people are saying the Ukrainian government is filled with Nazis,” and Kayleigh McEnany adds that no one in history has defended democracy more than Trump. Fox News opinionators say Russians are better allies for America than Democrats, and Tucker Carlson airs special documentaries on how masculine Russian troops are, and how tan their testicles are.

Trump signs a one-sided trade deal with Belarus’s Lukashenko for a quick photo-op, and publicly admires his strength in killing so many Belarusians during his putdown of the 2021 protests. Trump tells Sean Hannity in a fawning interview that America does terrible things too.

Trump then horrifies the State Department by blackmailing Moldova, who fears it’s next on Putin’s invasion list, to find some dirt on Nancy Pelosi if it wants any more US aid money.

Trump withdraws all funding from NATO because France and Britain are “ripping us off,” and tells Germany that the Nord Stream 2 pipeline furthering German dependence on Russia for natural gas will make Germany Great Again. Then, through shell companies, the Trump Organization gets suspicious bank loans from Russian oligarchs who are suddenly very interested in the profitability of his failing golf courses.

Meanwhile, Ukraine fights alone, and Trump sends Mike Pompeo to Lviv to tell Ukrainians to give up, which Fox News celebrates with two weeks of nonstop media coverage demanding Trump get the Nobel Peace Prize for…

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.