If Democrats Win, They’ll Eat All Our Babies & Americans Will Go Extinct!

But Republicans won’t let them if the GOP wins back Congress

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readSep 28, 2022
Photo by Nihal Karkala on Unsplash

Yesterday, Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy released the Republican Party’s official “Contract with America” for the 2024 elections.

However, it’s an unusual document because it states no policy positions or ideological beliefs that Republicans have, and instead fear mongers on what Democrats allegedly might do if they keep Congressional majorities in one or both chambers of Congress:

  • Democrats will abort all babies starting in January so that Americans will be on track to go extinct by the year 2110
  • Democrats will convert, at gunpoint, all caucasian children to Chinese
  • Democrats will change everyone’s pronouns to “Karl” and “Marx”
  • Democrats will change the Pledge of Allegiance to say I pledge my butthole to the flag of ISIS, and to the Biden dictatorship, for which it stands, one communist commune, under Allah, all transexual, with socialism and abortions for all”
  • Democrats will have the Department of Education ban all gym class activities in schools except drag queen pole dancing
  • Democrats will have the Department of Agriculture outlaw every food crop, and force farmers to grow nothing but marijuana and trees for paper to print banned books
  • Democrats will appoint Hunter Biden as the Secretary of the Treasury and let him go wild with all our tax dollars
  • Democrats will ban Tucker Carlson’s patent-pending testicle-tanning machines, which will destroy the US military’s combat readiness compared to other countries’ soldiers whose taints and scrotums will be much more tan and masculine
  • Democrats will cancel all former white male presidents, and replace their images on our money with images of Hillary Clinton, Satan, Vladimir Lenin, Pontius Pilate, RuPaul, and George Soros
  • Democrats will force all hunters to give up their guns and mandate they can only hunt with sharpened dildos
  • Democrats will open the borders on election day so every Mexican can…



Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Follow THP at twitter.com/HalfwayPost to read my Dada news.