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How To Love, And Be Loved By, Republicans
The five traditional love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch, but the number of ways people can express love is limitless!
We checked in with our favorite Republicans to find out their love languages:
Donald Trump: You being willing to sign an all-inclusive non-disclosure agreement.
Donald Trump Jr.: Whispering “Your dad told me he loves you, but he views you as too much of a threat to tell you because you’re so manly and masculine.”
Ivanka Trump: Planning with her the perfectly untraceable murder and dismemberment of her brothers, Tiffany, and Melania so she can inherit everything in her father’s will and real estate empire for herself.
Mike Johnson: Role-playing sex scenes from the Bible, such as Adam & Eve after being kicked out of Eden and learning the sin of sex, Lot and his daughters, and Noah after landing the Ark and repopulating humanity presumably with his daughters.
Rudy Giuliani: Giving him a 32-ounce Big Gulp cup of Scotch while listening to him tell stories about his various extraterrestrial abductions, anal probings, and the time he spent nine Earth months living in a zoo on a planet several galaxies over in captivity with the actress Jennifer Lawrence, who he…
