How To Live Like A Republican
Life hacks on how to become more like the paragon of contemporary Republican values: Ebenezer Scrooge
Are you trying to decrease the level of stress in your life? The Republican Party just published guidelines on how to live like a Republican, with the following tried-and-true life hacks the GOP has utilized for decades that you can incorporate into your life:
Are you hopelessly in debt and supporting yourself on deficit-spending? Ask your boss for a pay cut! His company will save so much money he’s surely going to trickle down an unbelievable amount of wealth to you. And who knows how many extra jobs he’ll create for you? Maybe you can start working two full-time jobs! Or three! When your entire daily schedule gets to full employment for all 24 hours, you’ll be living the high life!
Is your neighborhood filled with litter and trash? Forget about picking it up yourself! Why start doing anything to clean up before all your neighbors do something first? You don’t want to harm your personal financial situation by spending your time and hard-earned money gathering up all the garbage in your car and driving it to a dumpster down the street yourself. And, besides, there’s no reason to believe the little bits of litter you throw out the window every few hours are directly contributing to that mountain of trash in your backyard. The Earth has always had trash, and always will! Anyone who tells you otherwise is secretly getting paid by Big Garbage, or China.
Is your house crumbling apart after decades of neglect? Spend only the bare minimum on maintenance! Is a leaky roof or a rickety staircase worth going into debt to replace when doing so will set back your potential stock gains? Don’t worry about preventative maintenance! Only when your problems become catastrophic emergencies and disasters should you think about interfering in your free personal market with interventionist regulations because you’ll never become a billionaire while spending frivolously on things like a new water heater, air conditioner, or fixing your ungrounded electrical outlets! If your family members don’t want to be shocked when they plug in their devices, maybe they ought to take on a little personal responsibility and bring their own portable external batteries. Or, best of all, you could let a private company come in and fix your broken electrical outlets, and charge fees for your family members to pay the next time they start asking for electricity handouts.
In fact, you could actually profit quite a bit by nickel-and-diming all your house guests. So start charging your guests for any coffee, snacks, or meals they eat at your house. It’ll be a great lesson on self-sufficiency for all your entitled, communist nephews and nieces who expect free stuff. And don’t worry if your pipes are getting bad and poisoning your guests with lead. It’s not your problem! Your brain is doing just fine!
Does your brown-skinned neighbor look “sketchy?” Report him to the Department of Homeland Security! If he’s a real, red-blooded American, he has nothing to worry about with a friendly checkup, and if he’s an illegal terrorist, you’ve done your civic duty. Also, make sure to stockpile guns and ammo in your house, and make sure you’re always spending more on weapons than all your neighbors combined. And don’t stop at conventional guns, buy some grenades and rocket launchers too. This is the one expenditure you should definitely put on a credit card.
In fact, you should probably make budget cuts elsewhere in your life to make up for how much you’ll be spending on guns. Only buy used cars from now on, trade your healthcare plan for a cheaper one, and start rationing your food and medical supplies. No less than half of your discretionary spending should go toward maintaining overwhelming fire superiority over the rest of the neighborhood. Have you ever considered invading your neighbors’ houses preemptively? Who knows what weapons of mass destruction they’re hoarding over there across the street, and what schemes they’re thinking up to threaten you. Force some long-deserved regime change at those addresses, and I guarantee their kids and wives will thank you for liberating them!
Is your homeowner’s association trying to raise dues? Go to your next homeowners’ association meeting dressed like a Tea Party patriot and raise Hell! Don’t let them steal your hard-earned money to fix the neighborhood pool, or add workout machines in the apartment complex gym, or do yard work in all the communal spaces! Demand the HOA cut your dues at least by half, and then insist that everyone buys their own pools, workout equipment, and lawnmowers from now on. Accuse your HOA of being “Marxist socialists” who are trying to bribe your minority neighbors for their votes with socialist gym equipment, then organize a mob to invade the HOA office and threaten to hang the HOA’s vice president if your demands are not met in full! When the police investigate later, just assure them that you’re a patriot who loves the HOA, and it’s better to just move on rather than obsess over the past.
When in doubt, just remember that no communal problem ever has to be your personal problem! Just worry about yourself, and everything will work itself out. And if it doesn’t, it’s definitely your sketchy neighbors’ fault. Or the communist HOA’s fault. 🥃
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