How To Live Like A Republican

Life hacks on how to become more like the paragon of contemporary Republican values: Ebenezer Scrooge

Dash MacIntyre

--

Photo by Charles Büchler on Unsplash

Are you trying to decrease the level of stress in your life? The Republican Party just published guidelines on how to live like a Republican, with the following tried-and-true life hacks the GOP has utilized for decades that you can incorporate into your life:

Are you hopelessly in debt and supporting yourself on deficit-spending? Ask your boss for a pay cut! His company will save so much money he’s surely going to trickle down an unbelievable amount of wealth to you. And who knows how many extra jobs he’ll create for you? Maybe you can start working two full-time jobs! Or three! When your entire daily schedule gets to full employment for all 24 hours, you’ll be living the high life!

Is your neighborhood filled with litter and trash? Forget about picking it up yourself! Why start doing anything to clean up before all your neighbors do something first? You don’t want to harm your personal financial situation by spending your time and hard-earned money gathering up all the garbage in your car and driving it to a dumpster down the street yourself. And, besides, there’s no reason to believe the little bits of litter you throw out the window every few hours are directly contributing to that mountain of trash in your backyard. The Earth has always had trash, and always will! Anyone who tells you otherwise is secretly getting paid by Big Garbage, or China.

Is your house crumbling apart after decades of neglect? Spend only the bare minimum on maintenance! Is a leaky roof or a rickety staircase worth going into debt to replace when doing so will set back your potential stock gains? Don’t worry about preventative maintenance! Only when your problems become catastrophic emergencies and disasters should you think about interfering in your free personal market with interventionist regulations because you’ll never become a billionaire while spending frivolously on things like a new water heater, air conditioner, or fixing your ungrounded electrical outlets! If your family members don’t want to be shocked when they plug in their devices, maybe they ought to take on a little personal responsibility and bring their own portable external batteries…

--

--

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.