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How Donald Trump Spent His Christmas Morning
6:03am — Wake up from raging symptoms of Adderall withdrawal muttering “How’s my hair?”
6:03am — Wake up from raging symptoms of Adderall withdrawal muttering “How’s my hair?” and reach for a mirror to check the condition of his implants. Scoop up all the foot-long hairs that have fallen out, and save them for his hairstylist to cement back on top of his head with a whole can of hairspray.
6:04am — Ring the bell for his live-in servant Lindsey Graham to come bring him his first Diet Coke of the day, and his breakfast of a KFC bucket of chicken intended for a family of four. Drizzle ketchup all over it.
6:05 — Log into Twitter from his David Dennison account to search “Donald Trump,” and see what people are saying about him. Ask Lindsey what’s taking him so long to crush up his first daily line of Adderall.
6:06 — Get filled with rage that #TrumpSmells is trending for the third day in a row. Throw his plate against the wall, smearing ketchup against the wall.
6:09 — Reply to every Christmas post by Joe Biden and the White House with “Remember the time Biden fell off his bike? Donald Trump never falls off his bike! Trump’s the most fit president of all time, except maybe Lincoln, but he’d totally beat Lincoln if…
