GOP Senate Candidate Claims Sunburns Prove “God’s Chosen People” Are White

Dash MacIntyre
5 min readJun 22, 2022
Photo by srslyguys

During a press conference today a Republican candidate for the Senate made some unusual claims about sunburns to reinforce his opinions on racial hierarchy.

“White Americans are the top of the global racial pyramid,” said Jim Van Dijk, currently running for the US Senate in Mississippi. “So white Americans don’t need brown crayons coming into the box of white crayons and melting the colors together, if you understand my crayon metaphor. Because brown overpowers the the white! This is why I’ve said throughout my entire political career that immigrants will destroy our racial freedom, and it’s our job as patriotic Americans to finish building the wall and put their children into cages at the border if that’s what it takes to make sure America continues being the freest country on Earth with the most universal rights… for white people. Because, come on, if white people were meant to mix genetically with brown people, why would we get such bad sunburns when we’re out in the sun in brown people’s countries? Checkmate, liberals! We’re literally allergic to brown people’s latitude! We’re obviously not supposed to be dark. That’s why we get red before we get tan. It’s like God is giving us a red light telling us not to tan any further. God wants our skin to stay pale! That’s why in His infinite wisdom He had the first modern humans leave Africa and bone a bunch of neanderthals to get out all the African DNA with their caveman sperm. Neanderthals were genetic heroes for whites, if you ask me. Man, if I could just see some neanderthal ejaculate. I wonder what it would feel like in my fingers. I bet their balls were so big.”

Van Dijk paused, smiling for a moment.

“But I digress,” he continued. “White people are practically allergic to the sun because our chromosomes want to remain pure and Aryan. And we can’t stay pure and Aryan with all the immigrants coming in and stealing our breeding women. Mixed people don’t get sunburns easily, so you can tell they don’t have God’s favor. I like to think when white people get a sunburn it’s like being in epidermic prayer and meditation with God because we’re His chosen people. I never use sunblock because God would never let a white person get skin cancer.”

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.