GOP: “Our Plan To Do Literally Nothing About Gun Violence Will Stop Mass Shootings”

Dash MacIntyre
4 min readSep 30
Photo by Jay Rembert on Unsplash

The endless series of mass shootings in America has no end in sight, and local independent voters are grappling with their indecision about which party has better gun policies.

Mark Harmell, 51, has never voted in his life, but he intends to vote in 2024. The issue that is most important to him is stopping gun violence, however, he can’t make up his mind on which political party is better suited to stop all the mass shootings. He says the issue is just too complex to know what solution he should endorse.

“It’s just all so much to consider,” explained Mr. Harmell. “There’s the issue of the Second Amendment being enshrined as an American right, but, then again, an amendment is already a revision of the Constitution in a sense, so why should there be such a big fuss about amending an amendment to include some sensible ground rules for gun ownership? But it really throws me off my balance when both political parties can’t agree on a compromise. It’s a real conundrum. On the one hand you have the Democrats, who have been proposing for decades rational regulations to try cut down on America’s alarming, global outlier statistics of gun violence every year, but, on the other hand, you have the Republicans who propose we change absolutely nothing at all no matter how many school children are martyred for the unfettered right to own weapons designed principally for killing mass numbers of humans in war settings and carry them around in public to the grocery store. How can you decide between such diametrically opposed positions?”

Harmell paused a moment.

“I just wish we could take a cooling-off period after each mass shooting like Republicans always call for, you know? That way tensions could simmer, and we could think a little more calmly and rationally. But the Democrats and Republicans just jump immediately at each other’s throats, with Democrats accusing Republicans of having blood on their hands because of their irresponsible inaction bribed via political campaign donations from the NRA, and Republicans shrugging and admitting they can’t stay in office without earning an A-grade from the NRA every year. It’s like 50–50 in terms of who is to blame for the problem! Should I flip a coin? It’s just too complicated to…

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.