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God Says He Made A Planet Inhabited Only By Cannibalistic Jim Jordans
“I love watching Jim Jordan strangle himself.”
God just unveiled His first message to humanity in two millennia:
“If I may brag for a moment, Jim Jordan is My favorite creation of all time. I love to watch Jim Jordan in action. He is literally the biggest douche in the universe. Entire universe. I crammed that guy so full of arrogant ignorance that I have to personally intervene at all times to stop him from spontaneously exploding like an atom bomb. Oh, and spoiler alert: he definitely knew those wrestler kids were being fondled. That guy lies like he’s addicted to lying! But he’s great entertainment. It’s like when you paint something you’re really proud of, and you can just stare at it and admire it for hours.”
God smiled to Himself and continued.
“Jim Jordan is a spectacular, magnificent douche. In a galaxy on the other side of the universe I made a whole planet of Jim Jordans. I didn’t supply their world with any plants or animals so they have to fight and eat each other. I love watching Jim Jordans strangle each other. It never gets old. It’s a majestic sight to see whole herds of feral Jim Jordans gnawing on each other’s bones, and wearing each other’s faces as war masks, and sleeping in each other’s hollowed out bodies for warmth at night…
