God: “For The Last Time… I’m Not Pro-Life, And Never Have Been!”

God is reportedly pissed that Republicans keep saying He’s against abortion, and just released the following statement to prove otherwise:

“Stop putting words in my mouth! I am not anti-abortion! Anywhere from 25–50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and many women don’t even realize they ever got pregnant before it naturally ends, so why do conservatives think I’m so adamant women should not have control over their own bodies and reproductive rights? In general, I can’t say that death and murder bother Me much. Have you ever seen a nature documentary? There’s nothing that gets Me going more than a pack of wolves chasing down and eating a baby deer or sheep. The universe is not a very pleasant place for fetuses, newborns, and babies! Have you ever seen a mommy crab just sit there with her thousands of baby crabs eating them as they hatch? I love that stuff! You know how many species have to give birth to hundreds of young at a time because the only way the species continues on genetically is if enough are born to fill up mommy’s tummy so the others have a chance to run or swim away and grow up? I do, and it’s a f*** ton! Why do you think I designed Hell? I love suffering! I’m not a nice deity. Though I have calmed down considerably since the Old Testament days. Creating alcohol enzymes back then really took Me down a dark path. I…