Evolution Tips For Humans From A Visiting Alien

Hello, Earthlings. I am a diplomat from the Galactic Federation, and your planetary species has finally reached a point where extra-terrestrial contact is appropriate.

First off, we apologize that some of our more, how you colloquially call “asshole,” galactic associates have been less than responsible and mature in terms of their sociological studying of your planet. We apologize for all the abductions, literal pyramid schemes, and agricultural graffiti. If you’re curious, these crop circles were not coded messages, but rather depictions of our various alien species’ genitalia, making them our equivalent of your graffiti drawings of penises. They’re obscene, but, like all higher intelligence organisms, we can’t resist the occasional dick joke.

Most of all, we apologize for the unfortunate and scientifically unnecessary anal probings. Our federation has agreed to limit excretory probing from now on to just the human entity called Rudy Giuliani. He appears to enjoy it, so we can assure you it’s very consensual.

Anyway, we’ve been monitoring your species since you were mere primordial single-cells, and watched as you’ve developed into your charming present form as peculiarly big-headed, birth-canal-crowding, spinally-inefficient bipeds. It was a great relief to see your brains in response evolve the folding…