TRUMP VS TRUMP

Eric Trump And Don Jr. Have Formed An Alliance Against Ivanka And Jared

Dash MacIntyre

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The Trump kids are fighting over money, Trump Organization properties, and who will get to run for president first.

Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

There is a civil war brewing in the Trump family over the criminal investigations swirling around nearly everything Donald Trump has ever done in politics, business, and his personal life, and the Trump kids are reportedly fighting amongst each other over who will take over which Trump-branded property when their dad is inevitably indicted and imprisoned.

According to family friends of the Trumps, they’re also fighting over who will get to run for president first. Eric and Donald Jr. have agreed to form an alliance to better combat the advantage Ivanka and her husband Jared Kushner have because of their father’s attraction to her.

“I’m not at liberty to disclose any information about a secret alliance,” explained Eric Trump in a brief press conference this morning, “but I will say that my father has very bad taste in daughters. My half-sister Tiffany is way hotter, if you ask me, which I can say from the half of me that is not related to her. I don’t know why my father loves Ivanka so much, I personally think she’s gross and a total phony. It just so happens that my brother Don Jr. coincidentally agrees with me that Ivanka is a stuck up brat, and that her husband Jared has no business getting access to any of our family’s money through Ivanka. I think he only married Ivanka to get to our dad’s real estate properties because everything he does is calculating. I’m just saying that maybe the Department of Justice wants to investigate why Jared got that $2 billion from the Saudis, wink, wink.”

Eric then dramatically leaned closer to the microphone and winked his left eye several times.

“I’ve even heard Jared tell Ivanka to change into more revealing clothing when we’re meeting up at family gatherings to impress our dad,” continued Eric. “Jared gives her notes on her outfits, and then he’ll ‘accidentally’ drop things in front of Dad so Ivanka can bend down in front of him to pick them up. It’s gross! And totally unfair because my dad yells at me to pull my pants up anytime I try to do the same trick. My butt cleavage isn’t good enough for my…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.