Donald Trump’s Favorite Bible Stories

His knowledge of the Bible is quite limited, and more than a little spliced with Greek mythology.

Dash MacIntyre
4 min readNov 21, 2022


Photo by Mateus Campos Felipe on Unsplash

Donald Trump has a shaky grasp of the Bible, and it’s always obvious he has no clue what he’s talking about when he tries to answer questions about his favorite Bible stories.

The following are all things Trump has said when asked to elaborate on his thoughts about Jesus:

The Ark

“A lot of people’d don’t know this, but Jesus was a great boatbuilder. Maybe the best boatbuilder of all time. His Ark was just incredible, especially at that time. A lot of people had no idea arks could be so great. The way he sailed the Jewish people out of Egypt to the Promised Land of Sodomy and Gonorrhea during the Great Flood showed such intelligence and courage. He must have had a big brain. Sometimes I wonder how the brains of the Trump family compare to the big brains of the Christ family. The doctor told my mother when I was born, ‘Ma’am, your baby has the biggest brain I’ve ever seen!’ I wonder if baby Jesus’s doctor said the same thing to Mrs. Christ. In a way, building arks is kind of like building big, beautiful hotels. Me and Jesus sure are similar, aren’t we, folks? I wish Jesus would have written a book called The Art Of The Ark. It maybe could have sold as many copies as The Art of the Deal, who knows?”

The Trojan War

“The Trojan War was one of the greats, wasn’t it? It’s right up there with the other great American wars, like World War 2, the Civil War, the war of… and all the other big, beautiful wars. That was back when American won its wars. The generals used to tell me, ‘Sir, if only you had been president back then, we’d have won the Trojan War so much faster!’ But Jesus was a good general too. His idea to build the wooden horse was so smart. And then he snuck out and opened the gate so America could win. A lot of people don’t know this, but after the war he had a lot of trouble getting back home to Bethlehem. Jesus got lost at sea, there was an evil cyclops, and some sirens turned his Disciples into pigs!”

The Battle Against the Minotaur



Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.