Donald Trump Won’t Let Jared Kushner Into His Next Administration

Dash MacIntyre
8 min readFeb 16, 2024
Photo by Suzy Brooks on Unsplash

Donald Trump announced this morning he will not be allowing his son-in-law to work in his next administration if reelected. Trump also launched a lawsuit against Jared Kushner to get some of the $2 billion in Saudi wealth fund investments Mr. Kushner received after leaving the White House in 2021.

“That Saudi money is absolutely mine, and Jared knows it, quite frankly,” said Mr. Trump in a press conference at his Mar-a-Lago beach resort. “He only got the money in the first place because he was going to be the middleman, and hold onto the money for a little bit so no one would notice when a few months later later he sent it to me. But it’s been two and a half years, and he never sent it. It’s so bad what he’s doing. And he thinks there’s nothing I can do because it’s laundered money, but I’m suing him in a civil suit. And no one knows more about lawsuits than me. I’m always in them being sued by women, my contractors, a bunch of states, the District of Columbia, the federal government, and did I mention a whole bunch of women? But Jared can’t beat me. In fact, I’ve got Rudy Giuliani snooping around in Jared and Ivanka’s trash bins right now as we speak. He’s gonna find all of Jared’s secrets. And if he finds any discarded bras of Ivanka’s, he better turn them into me. You hear that, Rudy? I get the bras. That little rat, stealing my Saudi money, stealing my daughter. You know, not many people know this, but I gave his dad a pardon. His dad did some maybe not so great things. Some very dirty things. People think I do dirty things, but you’d never believe the dirty things Jared’s dad did. He tried to get a prostitute to seduce his brother-in-law. But I pardoned his father, and this is how Jared repays me? I’m thinking I ought to hire a prostitute to seduce Jared. Then Ivanka will be more available. Daddy likey. Can you believe that Miles Taylor, my former chiefs of staff, and so many other horrible people are saying I said gross, sexual things about Ivanka? What fake news losers. No one believes that. No one would ever believe I said something vulgar and suggestive about Ivanka in a million years. People say I used to be attracted to her when she was a teenager, but that’s not true at all. It was all the other teenaged girls in my beauty pageants that I was attracted to. Some of them may have looked like Ivanka, I…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.