PRESIDENTIAL DATING TIPS
Donald Trump Revealed The Dating Advice He Gave Barron
Dear Barron,
You’re 18 now, or 13, or probably at least 16, so you’re becoming a man, and that means it’s time for your father, Donald J. Trump, to teach you about life, and about what it means to be a Trump, and how to carry after I am gone the family reputation I have erected for you.
It might not be long until I’m gone. Seriously, Adderall is like a mystery glue that somehow keeps my heart going after doctors said it’s inexplicable I haven’t had a heart-attack yet from all the aspartame in my Diet Coke, the sludgy Big Mac sauce in my veins, and my endless, ceaseless, all-encompassing, rageful obsession with enacting revenge upon all my enemies, who are pretty much everyone I know because everyone around me is a nasty idiot who if given the chance would rig everything in the world against me, including all my businesses, my presidency, these Espionage Act charges, election fraud charges, and business fraud charges. And they’ve laughed at me, but who will be laughing when I get elected again? Me! Unless I have a heart attack because I haven’t exercised in decades. Which is why I’m writing this letter to you, Barron.
You have to understand that I set a pretty high bar of masculinity back in the 70s and 80s. It was almost like magic. I…
