Donald Trump Is Terrified Of Prison, And Is Turning Into A Recluse

Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Donald Trump has reportedly not reacted well to his various indictments and criminal investigations, and is increasingly worried, paranoid, scared, and jumpy anytime he hears a sudden noise, which makes him jump up and scream, “The FBI is here! Flush all the classified documents down the toilets! Run!”

We can add this fear to Trump’s other extensive list of fears and phobias:

1. His father’s psychological coldness and ceaseless emotional abuse. Several times an hour, Fred Trump’s voice rings out in Donald’s head saying, “You’re a loser, Donny, and everyone knows you’re a fraud!”
2. Public humiliation of any kind to the point that he tried to violently end American democracy rather than admit he lost a second consecutive popular vote.
3. Sharks. He hasn’t entirely submerged himself into any body of water since the 1960s. He did accidentally fall off a boat into the ocean in 2007, but found that his body floated thanks to his arteries being so full of Big Mac sauce.
4. All the future films and TV series that will undoubtedly mock his mannerisms, absurd physical appearance, gluttony, vanity, and plethora of other personality vices and character flaws. He regrets that he will not be able to sue people from the grave.