Donald Trump Is Suing His Grandchildren For Breaching Their Non-Disclosure Agreements
Former President Donald Trump has just filed lawsuits against each of his grandchildren for leaking details of his personal life to teachers, classmates, and sports coaches.
Trump claims the leaks violate the very strict nondisclosure agreements he forced all his grandchildren to sign as infants. As soon as they started making babbling sounds in their earliest mimicry of speech, Trump put a pen in their tiny hands and forced them to sign. He also reportedly gave them each fifty cents in hush money.
The following are details of Trump’s private life that his grandchildren have let slip in various public situations:
- “Grandpa is scary without his hair and makeup done.”
- “I have three grandmas, and I’ve heard Grandpa say bad things about all of them!”
- “Grandpa is mean to Daddy” (Eric).
- “What is a ‘f***ing waste of my semen,’ and why does Grandpa call Daddy that every day?” (Don Jr.).
- “Why does Grandpa kiss Mommy like Daddy does?” (Ivanka and Jared).
- “Grandpa must really like sugar because he’s always snorting it. His favorite is blue sugar.”
- “I saw Grandpa kick his golf ball into the pond when no one was looking, pull a new ball out of his pocket, and toss it much closer to the hole than where the first ball had been.”
- “One time, Grandpa’s teeth fell out, and I hid them, and he got very angry and hit Daddy a lot” (Eric).
- “Grandpa calls himself a ‘babe magnet,’ but I always see females running away from him, not toward him!”
- “Grandpa’s hands sure are small for a grown man.”
- “I don’t like ketchup because of Grandpa. He puts it on everything!”
- “I’m not going to fetch Grandpa any more Diet Cokes until he pays me. He says he’ll give me a dollar for each can I go get for him, but he never pays!”
- “Grandpa said his next girlfriend will be my age” (13).
- “Why do Grandpa’s friends all look like vampires and zombies?” (Rudy Giuliani, Stephen Miller, Steve Bannon).
- “Grandpa doesn’t let Daddy eat until Grandpa’s already full, and all the food is cold” (Don Jr.).
- “Grandpa calls Daddy a ‘globalist’ a lot” (Jared Kushner).
- “How come I’ve never seen Grandpa and Grandma Melania in the same room together?”
- “Grandpa always asks to borrow my middle school yearbooks, and when he gives them back I find that he has circled the girls who have cleavage showing with a Sharpie marker.”
- “I think Grandpa needs a pair of glasses to be able to read signs better because he keeps walking into the girls’ bathroom.”
- “Grandpa only remembers Aunt Ivanka’s kids’ names, and says he wishes he could have been in her womb too.”
☕ Enjoy my comedy and political commentary? Buy me a coffee!
But first subscribe to my Substack The Halfway Café to get my work right to your inbox.
Check out my Linktree for all my digital branches, but definitely follow The Halfway Post on Twitter or Threads to interrupt your daily political doomscrolling with my Dada News.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the book for you: “Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post,” available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon. I also have two poetry books full of Millennial existentialism, Cabaret No Stare and Moon Goon available in print and on Kindle.
Browse my comedy portfolio, my Dada News portfolio, and my poetry portfolio.
