Donald Trump Is Suing His Grandchildren For Breaching Their Non-Disclosure Agreements

(Official White House Photo by Tia Dufour listed as Public Domain CC 1.0)

Former President Donald Trump has just filed lawsuits against each of his grandchildren for leaking details of his personal life to teachers, classmates, and sports coaches.

Trump claims the leaks violate the very strict nondisclosure agreements he forced all his grandchildren to sign as infants. As soon as they started making babbling sounds in their earliest mimicry of speech, Trump put a pen in their tiny hands and forced them to sign. He also reportedly gave them each fifty cents in hush money.

The following are details of Trump’s private life that his grandchildren have let slip in various public situations:

• “Grandpa is scary without his hair and makeup done.”
• “I have three grandmas, and I’ve heard Grandpa say bad things about all of them!”
• “Grandpa is mean to Daddy” (Eric).
• “What is a ‘f***ing waste of my semen,’ and why does Grandpa call Daddy that every day?” (Don Jr.).
• “Why does Grandpa kiss Mommy like Daddy does?” (Ivanka and Jared).
• “Grandpa must really like sugar because he’s always snorting it. His favorite is blue sugar.”
• “I saw Grandpa kick his golf ball into the pond when no one was looking, pull a new ball out of his pocket, and toss it much closer to the hole than where the first ball had been.”
• “One time, Grandpa’s teeth fell out, and I hid them, and he got very angry and hit Daddy a lot” (Eric).
• “Grandpa calls himself a ‘babe magnet,’ but I always see females running away from him, not toward him!”
• “Grandpa’s hands sure are small for a grown man.”
• “I don’t like ketchup because of Grandpa. He puts it on everything!”
• “I’m not going to fetch Grandpa any more Diet Cokes until he pays me. He says he’ll give me a dollar for each can I go get for him, but he never pays!”
• “Grandpa said his next girlfriend will be my age” (13).
• “Why do Grandpa’s friends all look like vampires and zombies?” (Rudy Giuliani, Stephen Miller, Steve Bannon).
• “Grandpa doesn’t let Daddy eat…