Donald Trump Is Desperately Searching For New Lawyers

This is Donald Trump’s latest job listing for new lawyers who will keep him out of jail.

Photo by Ruthson Zimmerman on Unsplash

JOB DESCRIPTION

The Former President of the United States (FPOTUS) Donald J. Trump is looking for a new lawyer to join his growing legal team, and help fight, delay, and obstruct several ongoing criminal investigations including for fraud, insurrection, and espionage! Love for a fast-paced work environment is a must, as our team has very high turnover.

*** MUST be willing to sign an all-inclusive non-disclosure agreement! ***

QUALIFICATIONS

• Previous on-air TV experience from Fox News, OAN, or Newsmax
• Blondes strongly preferred (an “Ivanka-esque” look will be given preferential treatment for female applicants, and male applicants must be better looking than Rudy Giuliani but not too much better looking than FPOTUS)
• Big breasts (inquire about our new-hire bonus of free implants) for women, full head of hair (inquire about our new-hire bonus of hair implants) for men
• Team player and a clean criminal record (you may be expected to claim guilt for a couple crimes and/or obstruct justice, you know, for the team, but pardons will be…