Corporate Slogans Updated To Ensure They Aren’t In Any Way Problematic
(Published first at The Haven)
Wheaties: “The breakfast of everyone who participates.”
KFC: “Finger lickin’ good, if you have fingers, a tongue, and/or the sense of taste.”
Burger King: “Have it your way, but ask for consent first.”
Las Vegas: “What happens here, stays here (except Blackface, past offensive tweets, culturally insensitive costumes, and any awkward behavior you may have committed on dates).”
Airbnb: “Belong anywhere… as long as you’re not gentrifying. Aw, Jesus, you’re gentrifying, aren’t you?”
Maybelline: “Maybe she’s born with it, but maybe she’ll identify as something else later, so don’t make any assumptions.”
Budweiser: “The king of beers, or queen, or nonbinary monarch, or proletarian.”
Wonderbra: “Hello, boys, my eyes are up here! How dare you sexualize me and objectify my body. I purposely expose and highlight these secondary sex characteristics for me, not you! Am I being an exhibitionist and showing off my boobs with expensive, carefully designed push-up technology, or do I just have boobs? Ask yourself that, you creep! My breasts are only intended to be looked at by hot guys who are rich, at least 6-feet tall, and preferably own a yacht. Otherwise it’s sexual harassment! (Although a net worth above $10 million can cancel out the height requirement.)”
L’Oreal: “Because you’re worth it, unless you’re a rich, white, cisgender, heterosexual male, in which case why can’t you let someone else be worth it for once?”
Smucker’s: “With a name like Smucker’s, you know we definitely don’t diddle any kids.”
Nike: “Just do it, as long as it’s in compliance with all statutory governmental guidelines and regulations.”
Sprite: “Obey your thirst, but smash the patriarchy and all forms of colonialism.”
Allstate: “You’re in — after giving enthusiastic consent and a valuable discussion of proper boundaries and limits, whereupon both parties agree consent may be withdrawn at any time — good hands.”
UPS: “What can non-colorist brown without any unconscious encouragement toward skin-lightening do for you?”
Trix Cereal: “Trix are for kids with parental supervision, and who are definitely not being groomed in any way for future romantic or sexual relationships.”
Apple: “Think differently, unless you’re culturally appropriating, in which case you can’t think like that, you’re worse than Hitler, and you are hereby officially canceled in perpetuity.”
Dunkin’ Donuts: “America runs on the accomplishments of the white, Aryan race.”*
*Dunkin’ Donuts later released an official statement saying they “misunderstood the assignment,” and asked for a do-over.
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