Corporate Slogans Updated To Ensure They Aren’t In Any Way Problematic
(Published first at The Haven)
Wheaties: “The breakfast of everyone who participates.”
KFC: “Finger lickin’ good, if you have fingers, a tongue, and/or the sense of taste.”
Burger King: “Have it your way, but ask for consent first.”
Las Vegas: “What happens here, stays here (except Blackface, past offensive tweets, culturally insensitive costumes, and any awkward behavior you may have committed on dates).”
Airbnb: “Belong anywhere… as long as you’re not gentrifying. Aw, Jesus, you’re gentrifying, aren’t you?”
Maybelline: “Maybe she’s born with it, but maybe she’ll identify as something else later, so don’t make any assumptions.”
Budweiser: “The king of beers, or queen, or nonbinary monarch, or proletarian.”
Wonderbra: “Hello, boys, my eyes are up here! How dare you sexualize me and objectify my body. I purposely expose and highlight these secondary sex characteristics for me, not you! Am I being an exhibitionist and showing off my boobs with expensive, carefully designed push-up technology, or do I just have boobs? Ask yourself that, you creep! My breasts are only intended to be looked at by hot guys who are rich, at least 6-feet tall, and…
