Biologists Just Named A New Monkey Species That Pee On Each Other After Donald Trump

Dash MacIntyre
2 min readMay 31, 2022
Photo from Pixabay

A new species of howler monkey just discovered deep in the Amazon river basin has been named after President Donald Trump.

The monkey, scientifically named Alouatta donaldea trumpis, is blonde-haired and spends most of its time in the Amazon canopy foraging for flowers, fruits, and nuts. The monkey has a complex social structure, with trumpis monkeys living in groups of six to fifteen.

The most startling similarity to President Trump, however, is the trumpis monkey’s reproductive behavior. Following copulation the female trumpis monkey will pee on its male mate.

Biologists are unsure of the evolutionary reason for this post-coital behavior, but a few theories have been proposed.

One theory suggests the female trumpis monkey’s urine marks her mate and keeps competitor females away. Another theory suggests that the female trumpis monkey’s urine expels pheromones that make the male sleepy after copulation, allowing the female a time-out of sorts to rest before being bothered again.

Another unusual, Trump-like behavior is that Trumpis males spend much of their free time when not foraging for food grooming their daughters, but don’t seem very interested in paying the same attention to their sons, who are screeched at and hit often while growing up, and are forced out of the community when they reach a reproductive age capable of competing with their dads for sexual mates.

Age in general seems to play an important role in the dynamic trumpis monkeys’ social relationships. Trumpis males have been observed casting out older females, effectively exiling them from their social groups in order to preserve resources for younger females. They also have been known to build thick nests in trees with peepholes for spying on females.

Older male trumpis monkeys, meanwhile, have been observed mixing leaves and twigs with the hair on top of their heads to hide thinning patches, and smearing various fruits on their faces to preserve colorful, youthful appearances.

The Trump Organization was asked for a comment on the eponymous taxon, and a spokeswoman said that Donald Trump had never peed on a monkey, and that any Russian tapes allegedly revealing such behavior are both fake and classified. We believe that the Trump Organization communications team misunderstood the comment request.

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Follow THP at to read my Dada news.