Awful Things Trump Has Said About Our Other Presidents

Dash MacIntyre
6 min readJul 3, 2022
Photo by Ronda Darby

Barack Obama: “President Obama lied about his weight on his presidential physicals! He weighed way more than the low numbers he forced the doctors to write down! I bet that fatty also lied about his height to make his body mass index number lower! Unlike me, who is 100% transparent and honest with ALL of MY medical records!”

Jimmy Carter: “Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer? How did a marble-mouthed Southern hillbilly like that ever get elected president? He reminds me of Jeff Sessions, who I wake up every morning wanting to strangle for following the law and recusing himself from the Russia investigation!”

Franklin Roosevelt: “A lot of people don’t know this, but FDR was in a wheelchair. So how did he win so many elections? If I were running against him, I would have offered to roll him around for an hour, and then rolled him off a cliff or into a busy street when a bus was coming!”

Former presidents’ daughters: “No President has ever had a daughter as hot as Ivanka! Have you seen portraits of the daughters of all the presidents before 1920? Talk about fugly! None of them are hotter than 6’s, I wouldn’t date any of them! Maybe that’s why all the early presidents had such serious faces all the time. Their daughters were hideous. If you ask me, they were so ugly they didn’t deserve the right to vote. And those giant dresses were no fun at all. Way too elaborate and time-consuming to get in and out of. I’m glad my beauty pageants were in the 1990s and 2000s when clothes were much simpler and skimpier! I’d hate to have a pageant in the 1830s and walk into the locker rooms only to have to wait an hour before seeing any skin!”

Bill Clinton: “People are talking about how Bill Clinton was friendly with Jeffrey Epstein, and people want to know what he was up to. No one wants to know more than me. And I can confirm that Bill Clinton spent some time around Epstein. We hung out a few times on Jeffrey’s private island!”

Former impeached presidents: “Ha! Bill Clinton and Andrew Johnson got impeached! What losers! They should have just quit life after that! How could they still show their faces in public after getting impeached? Impeached presidents should get hit with rotten tomatoes everywhere they go for being so weak and unpopular. And…

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.